I don't know what it is about fall that gets me so chatty. I laughed when I started feeling all "bloggy" tonight and I noticed that I started my blogspot in September of '08. And well, the fire usually dies out in ohhhhh December. But dang it, I have some stuff to say until then!!
It must be because I feel all "older" and "wiser" (since my birthday uhh.....well "birthday week" is in September) So here is a wiser blab....well, more like a mini-vent that I just need to "type" off my chest ;) It has a crazy happy ending though...
This year is a little "wowish" meaning I only have 2 years left in my 20's. "Not a big deal," you say??? Oh but it is. I'm pretty much the ONLY 28 year old in my circle of friends (with the exception of a few precious jewels that are in this boat with me) who have not jumped on the "mommy train." That hasn't been by choice either. Well, kinda. I tried wrecking my mind and body with hormones. I turned into the ultimate over-hormoned obsessed psycho beast. Gained a glorious 15 pounds that I have YET to get off. (that's another blog topic) So....I guess you can say that "I've given up" tossed that dream out the window.....and before you DARE say, "Ohhh that's when IT happens!!!" DON'T. That saying is enough to make me punch a stranger in the face.
Okay, so you're probably thinking I'm a little bitter? Hmmm....not exactly. More like...in limbo, at a standstill, paused, but yet strangely okay, and slowly moving forward in an excited anxious way. Doesn't make sense, huh? Welcome to my life. Kinda fed up with the "decoding" that takes place with God. I had such a great conversation with one of my "non mommy friends" that really made me think. I'm not necessarily mad at God, just sorta spent...ya know? I'm tired of trying to decode all the messages, hear the illusive voice that doesn't seem to want to talk back, tired of "figuring out what this all means." etc. Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in Jesus, Holy Spirit, and God. I've been on both sides of the spectrum with spirituality......wild as all get out as far as I could get during one phase, then another phase where I was the girl who carried her Bible in her purse (with Tobi Mac blaring in my headphones) BOTH extremes weren't really "ME." So here I am, trying to find the balance, which is not easy. Another friend slapped me in the face the other night (without even knowing it) about my prayer life with God. She told me about how foolish it is to think that OUR plan is the SAME as HIS!!! Well.....DUH!!! Why didn't I think of that!? So why am I constantly WANTING something?? My prayers usually consist of "God, why are you wrecking my life and not giving me what I THINK I want???" Yah, ouch...petty stuff....Just like a little kid who doesn't understand that they can't eat candy for every meal. You get where I'm going.
So...28 and no kids. You know...my plan just might be different than the "typical female" design. I love love love all my mommy friends and I learn so much from them every day but I have to stop comparing my life to theirs. I can't crawl into a corner when another friend pops up pregnant. I have to stop thinking that I'm worth less because I can't have my own child. I have to stop thinking I'm the defect. I'd like to think that God has a REALLY good sense of humor with me. His design for my life is unique. I'm not like the other kids. Never have been. Never will be. That's a beautiful messy thing. You know how you look at a painting made from a toddler or small child? The colors are all blended together, out of the lines, and well...messy, but yet so thought provoking and strangely beautiful? Yah, I wouldn't mind being compared to one of those paintings. I think God has JUST that picture of me on his fridge, with a maccaronni stain on the corner and some spilled juice in the middle. He smiles every time He sees it too....... ;)
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7 comments:
I had to come check out your blog because I was sure it would be good readin'... And I wasn't disappointed! I totally understand what you're dealing with- I'll be 29 in November. We are maybe in the first third of our lives- who knows what God has in store. We just have to have faith that it will all be as it is meant to be. It will be whether we fight it or not, so might as well live in peace, right?
Oh Ashley...thank you for being honest!! It is true, every word of it. It is very hard for me to be patient and wait on His timing. I could so much better planning my life then Him. I would love to have coffee with you one day and just visit with you!
God does has a very special plan for you....and might I mention that I am so glad that Duane and I are apart of you and Russell's life and we are included in that plan! You know we always say that God will never give us anything we can't handle well I disagree, God will give us more than we can handle, we just have to lean on him to get through it! I know there is nothing easy about what he throws our way, but each day you are a blessing to so many people and in so many lives, including mine! love u!!
Just keep being real,lady...thanks for sharing what's on your heart and your mind. I love it! You are being real, not plastic! I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you to type right here, but I dont' think you need them..you are on the right track. God loves the "outside the line" peeps!
I loved your post! So insightful!
Chan....I stinkin' love you and your words. You're so honest and that's one of the things I like about you. I'm not here to give advice or tell you all about "God's timing" (although I know you LOVE hearing that)..but it did occur to me while reading your blog that my mom was 32 when she had Blaine and 35 when she had me. She was very much in the same boat as you as far as being the "only one" without kids. And look how amazing I turned out!! (Can't way the same for Blaine, though ;) Just a thought. I stinkin' love you to pieces...can't wait to see you again. --Twig
Aww, Ashley! I am sorry you are having a hard time. God never forgets us and from personal experience, I think sometimes he seems silent but all along really isn't. Our God is one of mystery..and some day you will see what this is all about and what God wad cooking up for you. The end of your twenties doesn't mean you are reaching the end of the "mommy train.". The fact that you are so at peace and anxiously moving forward is in itself God's way of sending a whisper to your soul that He has such an awesome plan for you and is waiting for the perfect moment. Hang in there and let me know if you need anything!
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